This whole blog post is going to be extremely hard for me to type. To be perfectly honest, I struggle with failure... and I have failed.
If you have skimmed through my blog, then you already know where I'm headed:
I was once married. Married for seven and a half years, had two beautiful children out of it, whom I thank God for daily. God gave them to me for a reason and I have made sure to raise them right. For six long and hard years, I bent over backwards, prayed for my (now ex) husband and made sure I was doing everything right. Home cooked meals that were ready and on the table when he got home, kids in bed by 9:30 PM sharp, and enough time for him to unwind and settle in for the night.
I never thought that I would ever be here, ever.
If I had known that seven precious years of my life would be wasted in hurt and betrayal, I probably would have never walked down and said I do. I would never have to worry about him, splitting up days of the week, rotating Holidays, and I defiantly wouldn't have to worry about her. But I also would have never had my two amazing and awesome kids. These are all the things about divorce they don't tell you about.
The thing is, it's not that I'm jealous of her, it's that I never wanted this. My marriage wasn't perfect however, divorce was never an option for me.
I swaddled, rocked, nursed all hours of the night, kissed boo-boo's, read them stories. She was never in the plan and what hurts me the most, the sour scrunched up face and eye roll she gives me every time she accompanies my ex husband on our exchange of our children. I mean shouldn't she feel accomplished by now? She obviously won, he chose her in the end so why the attitude? This was not how I pictured my life but I'm sure this is not how she pictured hers either.
But she also has to understand that these are my children, I am going to be extremely tough and picky with who comes and goes into their lives. Because what she don't seem to understand is:
I have worked really hard for five and half years. Alone and by myself with a husband that was hardly apart of our lives. Only for him to find you and break everything that I ever built. He broke my trust, broke my spirit, broke everything and I am ashamed. I'm ashamed for the things I did to keep my marriage a float only for him to leave in the end.
I am broken and I'm not sure how to pick up the pieces. I'm not sure if these pieces will ever be put back together.
