I have been divorced from my ex-husband for a while now, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think it bothers me more because I was raised that you never get divorced; you stay married or you are a failure. The failure aspect still bothers me even well after the fact. To be honest, there were a lot of things that I wish I had known before getting married. Like how you can read all the books on how to cope with it but nothing really prepares you until you experience it first hand. Here are my top five.
1. It's expensive.
Maybe I am a bit naive when it comes to certain things but, no one ever explained to me just how expensive getting a divorce is. Lawyer fees, court fees, and any other additional fees can pretty much wipe out your bank account. The two of you cannot agree on anything? It took almost a year before we could see "eye to eye" and settle. Our divorce in the end, cost more than our actual wedding.
2. It's painful.
Sadness, regret and failure are just some of the emotions that accompany divorce; and I wasn't ready for any of these emotions. I wasn't prepared to be a failure and I never wanted to raise my children in a broken home. Even after moving on, I find that it still hurts and that hurt will always be there. Just the thought of getting married again scares me a little because, I never want to be back in that place. You also tend to really find out just how spiteful the other person can be, specially with kids and property involved. Nothing can mentally or emotionally prepare you either for the gut wrenching feeling when another woman comes into your childrens' lives and "mothers" them... in front of you. This is something that I still have difficulty dealing with because after all, she was never in the plan.
3. You lose friends.
I don't care what anyone tells you, you will lose some friends once this process starts. People will always pick a side and it doesn't matter who was at fault or who did what or who filed for what. So be prepared for that. You will know very quickly who will be there to support you and those who aren't. I had to learn this the hard way that you also have to be very careful about who you let in or tell things to because there are some people who are disguised to have your best interest but they are really only there to try to sabotage you. So be careful! Protect yourself and your heart.
4. It's difficult on your children.
It doesn't matter what age your children are, divorce is divorce and it's hard on them. I think my biggest blow to the face that I experienced through this was when my oldest son came home crying after he had spent a long weekend with his dad. When I asked him what was going on, his reply was "Daddy asked X to marry him." My oldest was sobbing uncontrollably because he finally realized that his dad and I were done. We weren't ever going to get back together. He kept asking me what could he do to fix it. Did he do something wrong? Was he too bad? He couldn't grasp the concept of his daddy loving another woman and asking her to marry him. And that honestly killed me, I spent most of that evening cuddling my little guy trying to remind him that he wasn't the reason why we didn't love each other anymore. If anything he was the reason that kept us trying for so long to keep it together. We failed him, he didn't fail us.
5. You have two options: be bitter or be better.
I seriously can't stress this enough you can either chose to let the divorce cripple you OR empower you to do better. I learned through my first marriage about what I really wanted out of a partner, I learned that love is respect and to never settle for less. Because even in the most darkest time there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
