Things I Never Pictured

This whole blog post is going to be extremely hard for me to type. To be perfectly honest, I struggle with failure... and I have failed.

If you have skimmed through my blog, then you already know where I'm headed:

I was once married. Married for seven and a half years, had two beautiful children out of it, whom I thank God for daily. God gave them to me for a reason and I have made sure to raise them right.  For six long and hard years, I bent over backwards, prayed for my (now ex) husband and made sure I was doing everything right. Home cooked meals that were ready and on the table when he got home, kids in bed by 9:30 PM sharp, and enough time for him to unwind and settle in for the night.

I never thought that I would ever be here, ever.

If I had known that seven precious years of my life would be wasted in hurt and betrayal, I probably would have never walked down and said I do. I would never have to worry about him, splitting up days of the week, rotating Holidays, and I defiantly wouldn't have to worry about her. But I also would have never had my two amazing and awesome kids. These are all the things about divorce they don't tell you about.

The thing is, it's not that I'm jealous of her, it's that I never wanted this. My marriage wasn't perfect however, divorce was never an option for me.

I swaddled, rocked, nursed all hours of the night, kissed boo-boo's, read them stories. She was never in the plan and what hurts me the most, the sour scrunched up face and eye roll she gives me every time she accompanies my ex husband on our exchange of our children. I mean shouldn't she feel accomplished by now? She obviously won, he chose her in the end so why the attitude? This was not how I pictured my life but I'm sure this is not how she pictured hers either. 

But she also has to understand that these are my children, I am going to be extremely tough and picky with who comes and goes into their lives. Because what she don't seem to understand is: 
                        
                         I have worked really hard for five and half years. Alone and by myself with a husband that was hardly apart of our lives. Only for him to find you and break everything that I ever built. He broke my trust, broke my spirit, broke everything and I am ashamed. I'm ashamed for the things I did to keep my marriage a float only for him to leave in the end.

I am broken and I'm not sure how to pick up the pieces. I'm not sure if these pieces will ever be put back together.

5 Things They Don't Tell You About Divorce

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for a while now, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think it bothers me more because  I was raised that you never get divorced; you stay married or you are a failure. The failure aspect still bothers me even well after the fact. To be honest, there were a lot of things that I wish I had known before getting married. Like how you can read all the books on how to cope with it but nothing really prepares you until you experience it first hand. Here are my top five.

1. It's expensive.

Maybe I am a bit naive when it comes to certain things but, no one ever explained to me just how expensive getting a divorce is. Lawyer fees, court fees, and any other additional fees can pretty much wipe out your bank account. The two of you cannot agree on anything? It took almost a year before we could see "eye to eye" and settle.  Our divorce in the end, cost more than our actual wedding. 

2. It's painful.

Sadness, regret and failure are just some of the emotions that accompany divorce; and I wasn't ready for any of these emotions. I wasn't prepared to be a failure and I never wanted to raise my children in a broken home.  Even after moving on, I find that it still hurts and that hurt will always be there. Just the thought of getting married again scares me a little because, I never want to be back in that place. You also tend to really find out just how spiteful the other person can be, specially with kids and property involved. Nothing can mentally or emotionally prepare you either for the gut wrenching feeling when another woman comes into your childrens' lives and "mothers" them... in front of you. This is something that I still have difficulty dealing with because after all, she was never in the plan.

3. You lose friends.

I don't care what anyone tells you, you will lose some friends once this process starts. People will always pick a side and it doesn't matter who was at fault or who did what or who filed for what. So be prepared for that. You will know very quickly who will be there to support you and those who aren't. I had to learn this the hard way that you also have to be very careful about who you let in or tell things to because there are some people who are disguised to have your best interest but they are really only there to try to sabotage you. So be careful! Protect yourself and your heart.

4. It's difficult on your children.

It doesn't matter what age your children are, divorce is divorce and it's hard on them. I think my biggest blow to the face that I experienced through this was when my oldest son came home crying after he had spent a long weekend with his dad. When I asked him what was going on, his reply was "Daddy asked X to marry him." My oldest was sobbing uncontrollably because he finally realized that his dad and I were done. We weren't ever going to get back together. He kept asking me what could he do to fix it. Did he do something wrong? Was he too bad? He couldn't grasp the concept of his daddy loving another woman and asking her to marry him. And that honestly killed me, I spent most of that evening cuddling my little guy trying to remind him that he wasn't the reason why we didn't love each other anymore. If anything he was the reason that kept us trying for so long to keep it together. We failed him, he didn't fail us.

5. You have two options: be bitter or be better.

I seriously can't stress this enough you can either chose to let the divorce cripple you OR empower you to do better. I learned through my first marriage about what I really wanted out of a partner, I learned that love is respect and to never settle for less. Because even in the most darkest time there is always light at the end of the tunnel.