The faces that made me a mother

Ezra + Chloe

One thing that I learned last week is that I need to start taking more photos of my children. 

Before, I was worried about not being present and made more present memories and stopped photographing everything. But I realize if I don't photograph those memories, they are lost or forgotten. And I want to remember everything. From now and beyond I'm going to make an effort to take more pictures. 

Prayers for the Satterfield Family.

This post has been really difficult to type.

Words cannot express the magnitude of the heartache that is with my family right now.

Due to a tragic accident Zakiah was in critical condition and unresponsive. Medic worked very hard to save him but ultimately our great Lord took Zakiah to heaven to be with his beloved pets, Layla and Oreo.

 Zakiah was a member of Faith Promise Church and enjoyed having deep conversations about God. He was in the Third Grade and embraced every opportunity to learn. He played football for Maryville Lil Rebs and Southerners. Zakiah was incredibly intelligent beyond his years and an amazing big brother and friend. He was a defender of others and an advocate for his beliefs.

He was passionate, kind and caring in everything he did. He loved the outdoor and shooting his bow. He cherished his time hunting with his Papaw. He was a music lover and enjoyed listening and writing his own songs. Not to mention he had a deep and profound love for his Mama.

Zakiah was truly loved by so many people, and it shows by the sheer multitude of generosity of prayers, kind words and donations from those in the community. I cannot express how thankful I am to all those who have donated.

Ezra Lee! 10 Months in Review

 

Ah! My little dziecko you are TEN months old today! My, my, where has time flown by to?! You are doing so awesome and you are becoming your own little person more and more each day! 

Peanut Day & Thoughts.

Peanut Day =  Exactly what it sounds like: ultrasound day to see our tiny little peanut.

(7w2d ultrasound)

I don't think I can tell you all enough of how nervous I was for this first ultrasound. 

Here is a little truth about me: I am a constant worry wort. 

Anything that makes me nervous or is out of my comfort zone, you can always, without a shadow of a doubt, garente that I am a hot mess of worry. 

You would think since this is my forth time riding the "conception-go-round" (and the well known fact that I'm Ms. Fertile Myrtle) that I should be well seasoned by now. But truth be told, I'm not and each new pregnancy takes a tole on my nerves. 

I feel like I am experiencing "new mom syndrome" all over again with the intensely terrifying and constant worry coupled with horrible anxiety. After losing a child at 18 weeks gestation previously, it hasn't made those feelings any easier. I exhaust myself with worry because I am so terrified. 

I am utterly and horrifically terrified of miscarriage. 

Recently, I have seen so many of my peers experience this terrifying reality in pregnancy. I sit in silence as I watch their grief flow out over social media. Oh how I wish I could reach out to them, hold their hand and tell my own story and how I know their pain, but I never do. Honestly, I am still coping with that loss. I wish I could tell them reasons as to why, and that it will get better. But with truth, it's hard. It will get easier as time passes, but that's just it: we all need time to heal. In my silence, my heart breaks all over again. It breaks for them and for every single woman and couple who have had to experience the loss of a precious child. 

I lost my child a year ago and I found my comfort and peace in Scripture.  To be honest, some of these were bathed in my tears as I wept. Some were given to me perfectly right when I needed them, and some needed to work their way into my heart as I grieved. But all of them somehow, brought healing in my utter brokenness and still provide that.

"I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.  My eye wastes away because of grief, it grow weak because of all my foes.  Depart from me, all you workers of evil; for the Lord has heard the sound of my weeping.  The Lord has heard my supplication; the Lord accepts my prayers." - Psalm 6:6-9

"The Lord is near to the broken-hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit." - Psalm 34:18

"Just as you do not know how the life breath enters the human frame in the mother's womb, So you do not know the work of God who is working in everything." - Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb?  Even should she forget, I will never forget you." - Isaiah 49:15

"We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

(Scriptures were all taken from the RSV & NAB translations)

Even with my fears, I am so glad to have the support that I do. God had blessed me tremendously this year, He has filled my life with so many forgiving and loving people. The best part is this precious gift made of flesh and bone that grows so rapidly each week inside my body.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." - Psalm 34:18

Samantha R. // A Girl & Her Horse.

I met Samantha and her family for the first time yesterday evening, and I can't tell you how much I adore them! Samantha is a sweet, beautiful spunky 10 year old whom has a deep love for horses. To be honest,   I don't have to tell you how much she loves her horse, the pictures do all the talking!

 

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Now, let me share some photos of my horses. :)

 

 

 

 

5 Things They Don't Tell You About Divorce

I have been divorced from my ex-husband for a while now, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I think it bothers me more because  I was raised that you never get divorced; you stay married or you are a failure. The failure aspect still bothers me even well after the fact. To be honest, there were a lot of things that I wish I had known before getting married. Like how you can read all the books on how to cope with it but nothing really prepares you until you experience it first hand. Here are my top five.

1. It's expensive.

Maybe I am a bit naive when it comes to certain things but, no one ever explained to me just how expensive getting a divorce is. Lawyer fees, court fees, and any other additional fees can pretty much wipe out your bank account. The two of you cannot agree on anything? It took almost a year before we could see "eye to eye" and settle.  Our divorce in the end, cost more than our actual wedding. 

2. It's painful.

Sadness, regret and failure are just some of the emotions that accompany divorce; and I wasn't ready for any of these emotions. I wasn't prepared to be a failure and I never wanted to raise my children in a broken home.  Even after moving on, I find that it still hurts and that hurt will always be there. Just the thought of getting married again scares me a little because, I never want to be back in that place. You also tend to really find out just how spiteful the other person can be, specially with kids and property involved. Nothing can mentally or emotionally prepare you either for the gut wrenching feeling when another woman comes into your childrens' lives and "mothers" them... in front of you. This is something that I still have difficulty dealing with because after all, she was never in the plan.

3. You lose friends.

I don't care what anyone tells you, you will lose some friends once this process starts. People will always pick a side and it doesn't matter who was at fault or who did what or who filed for what. So be prepared for that. You will know very quickly who will be there to support you and those who aren't. I had to learn this the hard way that you also have to be very careful about who you let in or tell things to because there are some people who are disguised to have your best interest but they are really only there to try to sabotage you. So be careful! Protect yourself and your heart.

4. It's difficult on your children.

It doesn't matter what age your children are, divorce is divorce and it's hard on them. I think my biggest blow to the face that I experienced through this was when my oldest son came home crying after he had spent a long weekend with his dad. When I asked him what was going on, his reply was "Daddy asked X to marry him." My oldest was sobbing uncontrollably because he finally realized that his dad and I were done. We weren't ever going to get back together. He kept asking me what could he do to fix it. Did he do something wrong? Was he too bad? He couldn't grasp the concept of his daddy loving another woman and asking her to marry him. And that honestly killed me, I spent most of that evening cuddling my little guy trying to remind him that he wasn't the reason why we didn't love each other anymore. If anything he was the reason that kept us trying for so long to keep it together. We failed him, he didn't fail us.

5. You have two options: be bitter or be better.

I seriously can't stress this enough you can either chose to let the divorce cripple you OR empower you to do better. I learned through my first marriage about what I really wanted out of a partner, I learned that love is respect and to never settle for less. Because even in the most darkest time there is always light at the end of the tunnel.