I don't normally share this part of my life but, this year has been my turning point in my faith and it has been a crazy and emotional year!
I've always been a Christian and raised in church, and tired my hardest to be a good follower of Christ. But the last six years have been difficult for me. With more tears and heartache that I would like to admit and with all the emotional and physical abuse I endured had lead me away from God.
For a while I even questioned why. Why was God being so mean to me? I began to wonder if there was really a God. Because why on earth would he have let so much heartache happen to someone so young.
It was like I was a tiny ant and God was the cruel child putting a magnifying glass on me only burning me enough to keep me alive. And that's what it had felt like for so many years. I felt like God just wasn't on my side at all and I finally started to not believe anymore.
After my mom died and my marriage crumbled, I ran wild seeking love from anyone and it was always the wrong kind of love. I let people abuse me mentally and physically thinking it was love. I put myself in a bad situation that left me broken and it was that very moment that ultimately led me to give my life to God and trusting him fully.
This time last year, it was Mothers Day and this person who was in my life put me in a situation that I was honestly terrified of. They promised me a lot of things to keep me, they lied to me, they abused me emotionally and took advantage of me. When it finally ended I was devastated, confused and broken. But that's what the enemy does to us, they break us, make us feel unworthy, and suffocate us with so much darkness it makes us feel like there is no hope. That we will never get help or see the light.
At the time I wasn't seeing God, I was being pushed further and further away from God and what He wanted for me. I was too busy making someone else my savior and bible. I was at an all time low when it came to an end and what I didn't realize at that moment was that, when God closes one door he opens another.
But I had to surrender myself to the right person, and that right person is God. And when I surrendered myself to him completely, he healed me and he blessed me. When I was hungry, he fed me. When I was upset or scared, he used the most random people to give me scriptures of comfort. He opened the door that I thought would never open because honestly, I'm a sinner. I sin. And growing up, I was told that God hates sinners, that we were dammed to hell. And that terrified me so much I stayed in the dark.
However, when I finally let go and just said "OK God, I give it all to you" He opened the door with so much love and warmth.
In Romans 5:8 God says: I love you even at your darkest. And that's when I realized that God doesn't hate sinners, nor are we dammed to hell. He loves us even at our most darkest of time.And he gave me so much love too, love that I thought was gone, love that I thought I would never have again after my mom died.
I not mad or angry with that person that put me in that situation because ultimately, they taught me just how strong I really am. I stopped relying on others and instead put faith in God and in myself. They forced me to have courage and to be brave even in the most scariest of situations. Because going from not believing and being angry in and with God to believing and forgiving is a pretty scary thing. I mean that's a pretty big deal and leap of faith.
I look at how far I've come and the things I've been able to accomplish since putting my trust and faith with God. I'll be truthful though, sometimes I wonder where I would be if I were still in that toxic environment. But truthfully, I'm thankful it ended when it did and how it did because I needed to be broken and my world turned upside down in order to turn to God and become the person that I need to be and who he wanted me to be.
Thank you God for loving me through my sin, through my darkest moments and through my brokenness.
God can restore what is broken
and change it into something amazing.
All you need is Faith.
Joel 2:25
