Thoughts Of An Adopted Child : Dealing, forgiveness and acceptance.

When I was really young I was adopted and I got really lucky to have had amazing adoptive parents. I am so thankful for them and everything that they have done for me. However, after my parents deaths, specially my mothers, I have felt totally and utterly lost.

I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that my adoptive parents extended family never fully accepted me and I was always the black sheep in a way. I had the stigma of the 'adopted child' and it didn't help that they knew my biological mother either. I was always labeled the mistake or that in some shape or fashion I would end up being like her. So it made things much harder for me and it hurt me because, I've always carried that with me. I've never been close to those family members because of that too. If anything I have had a lot of strife and bitterness towards them due to how I was treated.

My biological parents were teenagers when they had me and then eventually gave me up for adoption. I've always known and it wasn't anything my parents ever tried to hide from me. They spoke honest and openly about it when ever I  wanted to talk about it. We had what is called an "open adoption" which meant they allowed my biological mother to be apart of my life if she wanted. My parents never kept my biological mother away and they tried their best to include her in most of the family events. However, even though she was in and out of my life, I never really truly knew her.

In the last few years I have tried to reach out to my biological mother and younger siblings. However, it has been a tough challenge. I am not sure what to say honestly, the more I got to know them the more I realized that she and I (including my younger siblings) were nothing alike. To make matters even more frustrating the three children that she had definitely were making it very clear that I wasn't welcomed nor would I ever take the role of being their ''older sister."

There was a lot deceitfulness to the point where I could never tell what was up or down with them. It hurt me a lot when my biological mother would say that my parents took me away. Even when I confronted her with the truth and my adoption papers in hand. I could never tell my biological mother anything confidential either. If you were sitting on the side line like my best friend was, you would know that all of this was an awful thing to have to watch.

Over and over my best friend would look at me and say ''why do you do this to yourself? You know the outcome to this isn't going to be good." And every time, every single time I would look at her and say that she had no idea- or how it felt to not know where you come from. Bri would look at my face hot tears rolling down my cheeks and say with a heavy sigh "I know, but I hate seeing you like this. I know you mean well but, when are you going to figure out when enough is enough? You need to stop beating a dead horse." And as much as I hate to admit it, she was right. I needed to stop. I needed to say enough.

The relationship was too toxic and I had to finally realize that she wasn't going to be the kind of mother that she needed to be for me. She wasn't able to when I was younger and she wasn't going to now. No matter how hard I tried or all the tears I cried it wasn't going to change things and I needed to come to terms with that. I finally had to cut the cord, again.

Don't get me wrong though, I do love her. I love her for giving me life and ultimately giving me to my two wonderful parents. My adoptive parents gave me so much love, compassion, a solid ground to walk on, and gave me so much to be thankful for. These were things that I knew my biological mother could never give. She was a baby herself when she has me. However, deep down I still have those feelings of ' why wasn't I good enough'' or ''what was so wrong with me'' and I think a lot of adopted kids feel that way or go through this at some point in their life. Specially when the biological parents moves on with their life and have more children and they keep them.

                                                 We are so worthy of love.

We tend to keep ourselves guarded in a way because we don't want those feelings to regurgitate. We have fears of rejection, of being turned away and no one ever wants to feel that. However, we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are worth it. We are so worthy of love and acceptance! We have been loved and accepted by our heavenly father from the moment of conception. Because we were all fearfully and wonderfully made.

As I've gotten older and learning this, becoming closer to God and becoming stronger in my faith it has helped me cope with a lot of my insecurities that I've had with my adoption. I've learned that even though it's hard the stigmas and hurtful words people can always be forgiven because really, everyone seeks love and acceptance

I've learned to be thankful for her choice to give me up because, even though it does take more than biology to be a parent you have to be really selfless to know when you can't do or be something and give up a child.

It has taken me so long to say thank you for that choice that she ultimately made. But I know that I am not her, history does not repeat itself. I am my own person and I can rise above all the stigma that people have tried to put on me. I've also learned that the way people treat, talk about or to you, is a statement about themselves and their character rather than having anything to do with you.

The best part is now that I'm older I realize that I was chosen by my parents.

They chose me. 

Without doubt.

Without pause.

Without hesitation. 

They wanted me and that is the best thing to know about this whole situation. To know and to be chosen triumphs everything. All the feelings of not being worthy, not being good enough seem so little and so silly. Specially when I really started to learn about God and his unconditional undying love for us. I have been loved and accepted for who I am from the very beginning is so wonderful.

And I think that's what we as adoptive children have to realize and face. We are the ones chosen by our families. They chose and fought for us. And that my dear friends is the true blessing.